Ignorantly, I thought that things would get easier with this divorce once Lucille had the chance to calm down in a city nearly 3 hours from me.  Rather, last night was spent in a full on panic attack, complete with involuntary body twitching, due to how nasty and one-sided it has become.  I’ve received 2 lengthy lawyer letters that were sent to Lucille’s lawyer in the past 4 days and they both had the power to inspire the desire to cower in a corner.  Those that know me know that I do not deal well with confrontation, and this is certainly bound to end with a blowup once Lucille reads exactly what my lawyer drafted.  It includes words like ‘abandonment’ and ‘indigent’ and ‘disabled’ when it describes me and inquires what exactly Lucille intends on doing about how he left me all this year.  It also inquires as to why he left me with all of our belongings (after he picked them over) and he took all of the income and monetary properties.  While I do think I am entitled to half of what he took without my permission after nearly 12 years of marriage, I am terrified that he will go further in using our kids to punish me.  When we were together he was very passive-aggressive, but it seems now that he alternates between not caring if I disappear and never see the kids again (his secret hope I believe) and downright hostility and cruelty.  He is seemingly allowing his family to raise the kids and pay his bills while he collects unemployment and works under the table for cash.  He refuses to provide food, clothing, diapers/pullups, shoes that fit, and various other things during my time with them and instead expects me to miraculously come up with the cash for them.  Yes, he knows that several doctors have legally documented that I am unable to work at this time and that m disability is taking forever to process.  Yes, he knows that my mom cannot afford these items without running behind on her own bills.  It’s a power struggle that the kids are being caught in, and they are miserable whenever they see he and I together.  The two oldest (nearly 5 years old) beg us not to talk to each other during pickup times because, while we don’t yell or fight, there is such tension that they react negatively.  I have begged for therapy to learn to co-parent since the day he told me he was leaving with no luck.  It’s even in a court order, but he won’t follow it because it costs money that he claims to not have.  Then again, I begged for marital counseling for years before he walked out with no success, so why am I surprised by this?  The bottom line is that he still is treating me like he’s doing me a favor by letting me visit the kids on the weekends and he is not involving me in any of the decisions (including school) about them.  And, yes, I do have joint custody, for all the good that does me.  His attitude is so superior that it makes me want to give up – which I know is exactly what he wants.  I’m the one who wanted these kids.  I’m the one who fought for years to have them.  I laid on my bathroom floor for 8 miscarriages all alone.  I went through 2 extremely dangerous pregnancies without comfort or support from him.  I was the primary caregiver to my kids for over 4 years.  And now he wants to take that all away.  It’s so hard to not feel bitter and broken.